


Drown In The Inferno

by infiniteworld8



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Dreamsharing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Kavinsky is misunderstood and still wrong, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Pre-Slash, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 14:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7688179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan loves three people.</p><p>Three people that he shouldn’t love and who he knows don’t love him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drown In The Inferno

Ronan loves three people.

Three people that he shouldn’t love and who he knows don’t love him back.

Richard Gansey III

Dick, (he’ll only ever call him that when he’s trying to piss him off). Not irritated get out my face Ronan but I want you to hit me and make me feel something—that kind of pissed. He likes Gansey angry sometimes, likes him happy sometimes, and loves him all the time. And Gansey for his part doesn’t notice. He sees Ronan like a project, a friend to fix…and not something more than that. Which is why Ronan bites his lips and keep silent.

Gansey doesn’t know about the secrets he keeps. Not the nightmares that bring him to his knees in fear and horror. Or the dream specters that threaten to end him and yet are him. He doesn’t know about what Ronan is—maybe that is fair….how can you tell someone what you are when you don’t know yourself?

Gansey, just sees him like a project, but Ronan doesn’t want to be a project anymore. He wants Gansey to make him whole—not by fixing the broken parts, but by completing him… Gansey—dick—dick—dick….three times over because that’s what he is. Kavinsky’s right about that one, Gansey can’t see the forest for the trees and Ronan can’t see either even though they speak to him. Gansey is longing, Adam is real….and Kavinsky..Kavinsky is what he can’t have, shouldn’t have, doesn’t want and he thinks….he thinks more often than not….Kavinsky is exactly what he needs.

Joseph Kavinsky.

The dream keeper, dream creator, dream destroyer…Mayhem with dark hair and a chaos-filled body. He is Ronan and yet not. Tortured and chaotic, wanting to destroy because after the burden of creating there is nothing left in the beaten down carcasses he shares for a body. Kavinsky asked nicely at first….as nice as he can. But when they get out of their cars at the finish line…Ronan leans back against the hood of his car and Kavinsky comes away to stand by him smoking a blunt.

He blows out a breath of marijuana-laced smoke and Ronan thinks of taking things a little further. Alcohol isn’t enough, he wants something more. Something to dull this wanting he feels.

“You and me, we’re both alike.”

Kavinsky muses, as he takes another drag.  “You ever wanted to fuck yourself?”

Ronan doesn’t know how to take that….Kavinsky, this shell—filled with sex, and drugs, and booze—that passes for human is so obtuse and yet not.  Ronan licks his lips, finishes his cigarette gets back into his car and drives away. The next time he meets Kavinsky they race, they pass insults back and forth, they race the next time again, and the time after that….and then the next time it’s different.

Scars on his arms, Ronan likes the pain. Alcohol burning down his throat, he breathes in the fire. Drugs boiling his blood, he loses himself in the inferno. And Kavinsky holding him down--- _ both of them alike _ —Ronan could get up—so why doesn’t he---he loses himself in the pain— _ you ever want to fuck yourself? _

Now Ronan has the answer.

Adam Parrish

Unattainable, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. Too good, too pure, too nice, too straight for him. Ronan hates himself when he’s around Parrish—he reminds him of all that he isn’t. And sometimes he loves himself a bit more around Parrish. Parrish has everything he doesn’t have…a purpose, a goal…a sane mind. And Ronan sees when Parrish comes around with bruises , a creased tired face, Ronan had and has lost what Adam never had… Family, a happy childhood, parents that loved him…all glimpses of what could have been for Parrish and memories of what had been for Ronan

They’re both broken… and maybe they can fix each other. Ronan isn’t sure, because Adam shouldn’t want him, so dirty so wrong. The dregs of Kavinsky…and Adam likes girls….not grimy, dark, chaos filled bad boys.

Adam won’t want him so he doesn’t say a word. He does small things, things no one would notice. In his head it’s different. Adam notices why he gets an extra shift off, why the minutes of lecture notes he is too proud to admit he can’t hear are on his desk, why he can pay his rent…Adam notices these things and he notices Ronan.

In reality, it’s different. Adam isn’t his. Adam doesn’t see the reason he kneels on the ground, blood dripping down his arms…partly from the nightmare he created….partly from the knife he has lying at his knees and doesn’t finish the job.  He doesn’t know he’s the reason 120 miles per hour down a deserted highway doesn’t end in a crash…doesn’t end in it all.

Adam is life…just not a part of Ronan’s.

So Ronan watches from afar longing for someone he can’t have, needing someone he shouldn’t and desperately wishing the one person he actually loves would notice.

It’s not Gansey—brother, friend—shouldn’t be anything more.

It’s not Kavinsky—so wrong, and yet so right—it feels good to die with him a little every night.

It’s Adam, the one who can save them all—or at least save Ronan…he’s selfish in that aspect. He needs Adam because Ronan wants to live...and Adam makes him want to do just that.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 15 min...


End file.
